Smashing Summer Blockbuster!
by Keith E. Kimball
Summary: How do the stars of Super Smash Bros. celebrate their summer?  By becoming stuck in a parody of the world's first summer movie blockbuster, of course!  Sink your "jaws" into this one-shot short and you'll find plenty to chew on!


_Smashing Summer Blockbuster! _/ Kimball - 14

**Smashing Summer Blockbuster!**

**by**

**Keith E. Kimball**

Sunrise had not yet come to the pristine shoreline of Enmity Island. Peach Watlegs, upset that her boyfriend Mario had passed out on the sandy beach (the man couldn't hold his root beer), gave up trying to awaken him. She decided to go for a swim by herself. Keeping her bright pink tank suit on, of course. Some girls might skinny-dip, but Peach was far too demure. Besides, there were plenty of other guys at the party a little further up the beach and she didn't want to give Bowser or Wario any bright ideas.

So a few minutes' swimming brought her out into fairly deep water. She turned over onto her back and just floated there, perfectly relaxed. She sighed, "Ah, this is just peachy. Still dark and cool out, nobody bothering me, and I can just drift with the tide. Ahh...even the movie's background music is calm and peaceful." A warm smile spread across her pretty face and Peach closed her eyes, she was so so comfortable.

Then the background music changed. Being a video game character, Peach didn't miss the significance of that, despite being stuck in a movie instead at the moment. She sat up in the water immediately and muttered to herself, "Oh, goodness! Ominous music! Probably a boss battle...but I don't have any weapons! Oh, dear!" Peach struck out for the shore with a firm, calm breast stroke but that only served to increase the tempo of the creepy theme.

As the music increased, so did Peach's terror. Her swimming lost its cool edge as she began thrashing her way toward shore, screaming, "Mario! Help, Mario! Heck, I'll even settle for Luigi!"

A massive Sharpedo, far bigger than any shark normally found in the waters of this region, popped up from the depths just behind Peach. The Pokémon was so big that all it had to do was lunge forward and GULP! The slender girl was swallowed whole! The shark paused and belched happily, complete with toothy grin. (Make that a **very** toothy grin!)

Then its big belly gurgled a warning. The grin vanished, replaced by a pinched expression. The shark couldn't help it; it vomited Peach up so hard that she was sent skipping across the top of the water like a stone thrown by a little kid. She punctuated each skip with an "Eeek!" as she bounced all the way to shore. Peach might've kept going all the way to the center of town if that solid, thick wooden pole hadn't gotten in her way. THUD! Face-first, too.

Peach lay there in the sand, eyes swirling in her sockets and trying to count the tweeting little Koopa Paratroopas she saw flying around her head. "Oh, my," she groaned, "am I glad I'm in a G-rated parody of a horror movie." Then she passed out.

A couple of hours later, Police Chief Link Brooding and his wife, Zelda, were listening to Peach's tale of woe as a doctor patched her up. Except for the pole-shaped mark on her face, the young woman had only gotten a few minor scrapes from the shark's teeth. _"Not bad for being swallowed alive!"_ Link thought, _"With luck like that, I'll have to bar her from entering the casino!"_ Aloud, he said, "Thank you for talking to me, miss, that's very brave of you after such a harrowing experience."

Peach blushed, "Why, thank you for saying so, sir." The doctor nodded at her patient; Peach would be fine once the swelling went down in a couple of days. Link nodded that she could go as well. Peach lost her kindness, however, when she gestured to a very sheepish Mario in the background. "C'mon, you," was all she deigned to say to her boyfriend. Mario tipped his hat to the island's officials before following his gal pal out of the examination room.

Link watched the girl go bemusedly. "Hmm, what legs," he observed softly.

Not softly enough. "Hey!" his wife barked, "You should be looking at **my** legs!"

Link had to come up with something fast or he'd be in the doghouse beside Mario. He held up his clipboard and pointed to the writing on the top. "No, no, her name is Watlegs," he protested.

"Oh," Zelda was mollified.

The chief lost his smugness over getting away with oogling Peach's long, silky gams by turning his mind to a far more puzzling matter. "Say, baby, what would you say the odds were for that shark barfing her up like that?"

Zelda smiled, "Can't you tell? She's just too sweet. The shark couldn't stomach her. Probably gave the shark a cavity too."

Link had to nod along with her theory as he turned to the important business at hand. "No beach time for us today, honey. Or anybody, for that matter. I'll have to close all the beaches for forty-two hours at least. That should give the shark plenty of time to move on."

Zelda was pleased that her husband was thinking for once; perhaps her wisdom was finally rubbing off on him. She buried her resentment at the inconvenience to agree, "Good idea. On your way back from the mayor's office, pick me up some roast for dinner. I'll be at home starting up the crock pot." One quick embrace and a smooch later, the couple went their separate ways.

Barely half an hour later, Zelda found her husband sitting dejectedly on the beach. He'd changed out of his uniform and into casual clothes, but she knew by his ramrod posture and watchful eyes that Link was anything but off-duty. She sighed heavily.

As Zelda knelt behind him, Link took in her one-piece, strapless bathing suit. He observed, "Looks like you agree with mayor Ganondorf. More like Ganon**dork**! There's no reason to close the beaches, he says."

She smiled her most winning smile and began kneading his shoulders. Zelda explained, "How am I supposed to show up at the beach without my swimsuit? This movie needs some cheesecake, you know." Link snorted; but his neck and shoulders were loosening up under her persistent hands. Zelda continued, "I hate to say it, but Ganondorf is probably right. Not a lot of people go swimming as early as Ms. Peachy Tart this morning. That shark must've stayed hungry and kept going until he found his breakfast after all. Probably found it a long, long way from here."

The innocent, bouncy beach fun background music was suddenly replaced by a ominous two-tone repeat theme.

"Wanna bet?" Link returned, eyes roving all across the surf before him.

The chief's eyes were drawn to a young boy on his inflatable raft just inside the surf line. The boy had stood up and was using the raft for a surfboard to head into shore. He didn't get far as a huge, triangular shape loomed from behind and lunged toward him. Frightened, the boy jumped off the raft and ran (not walked!) across the surface of the water the rest of the way in. As the shark chomped up the raft, not yet realizing it had the chewy outside and missed the cream filling, the boy skidded to a stop next to a Pikachu. Pikachu stopped building his sand-castle as the boy turned his hat backwards on his head. The youth exclaimed, "Wow, look at that Sharpedo! And I'm gonna catch it! Pikachu, I choose you!"

"_Pik-aaa!"_ the little mouse hopped into the battle-ready position before his master.

The boy ordered, "Thunder Attack, now!"

When Pikachu brought the Thunder Attack, even a shark as burly as this one felt it. Unfortunately, given that water is one of the best conductors of electricity in the world, so did each and every swimmer lining the beach. The boy gulped, "Oh, no! Pikachu, stop firing!" Pikachu did so.

The shark released the tattered remains of the raft to sink into the depths, taking his theme music with him. Back on the beach, the boy and his Pikachu were quickly being surrounded by an angry mob of shocked people clambering out of the surf at them.

Link and Zelda threw themselves between the accidental aggressors and their accusers; Link brandishing his badge and his sword alike. "Settle down, now," Link bellowed, "This kid just saved all of you from that shark! Which almost ate him first, I might add!" The crowd grumbled a little but split up, leaving the beach behind entirely.

Once he was convinced they were out of danger, Link turned to the youth and found the kid's hand outstretched for a handshake. Link took it firmly. The boy said, "Ash Hoopem, at your service, officer. Thanks; you really saved me and Pikachu, there." Pikachu was busy thanking Zelda by rubbing around her bare ankles; she scooped him up so he'd stop tickling her. Pikachu settled against Zelda's bustline with a happy sigh.

A bright idea occurred to Link, who raised his eyebrows at Ash. "Hey, so you're a Pokémon Trainer, then?"

Ash puffed up, "A full-fledged Pokémon Master, actually. Just got my degree."

"Great!" Link returned, "I'm Chief Brooding, but you can call me Link. My wife, Zelda." The intros out of the way, Link continued, "I could really use your help getting rid of that Sharpedo, Ash. I'll support you in any way you need. Have you got some Water-Type Pokémon to pursue the shark with?"

Ash was forced to deflate before becoming defensive. "Uh, no. I only brought Pikachu to the island with me. Hey, don't blame me! It was my vacation after finals!"

"It's okay, kid, I understand," Link replied.

Zelda observed, "Then we'll have to provide a boat and crew for you, Ash."

Ash was really wishing his girlfriend hadn't been forced home on family business at this point. Her mastery of the waves would have that shark begging for mercy already. Left to his own devices, Ash could only call on his bravado. "No problem," he assured the couple firmly, "I mean, this is an island, right? There's got to be a guy willing to take me out on his boat around here."

Link answered thoughtfully, "Take **us** out, you mean." He drew a sharp look from Zelda which he ignored, continuing, "A guy? Not so much. A girl? Yeah, I think I've got just the girl in mind..."

It was nearly lunchtime before Link and Ash found themselves in Samus Squint's shack. (Try saying, "Samus Squint's shack sells sea-shells by the seashore," five times fast. It will amuse yourself and all those around you.) The wooden walls' only covering was an arsenal of weapons mixed in among various body parts removed from the animals that Samus had hunted. It was the manliest place that Link and Ash put together had ever seen.

Which is to say that it fit Samus perfectly.

The amazon was grinning broadly as she tended some home-brew hooch in her tiny kitchen. To Link, she said, "Ten thousand credits, then. None of that rupee stuff; I can't spend that easily."

"Agreed," Link said.

Samus turned and offered them both a tiny shot of her hooch, smirking at the obviously underage Ash when she did so. "A toast to our little venture, then," she winked, "Drink up, boys, it'll put hair on your chest!" She swallowed her shot without any sign of distress; actually she was quite pleased with her drink.

Link had just sipped his own booze when Ash quipped, "Oh, so that's what happened to you." Link snorted; the alcohol went right up his nose and down his throat at the same time.

While Link gagged up his lungs in the background, Samus strode right up into Ash's grill with a sharp frown. Ash had to tip his head way, way back to meet her angry gaze at that range. She snapped, "Let me see your hands, Mr. Hoopem." Without waiting, she grabbed his hands and squeezed them firmly. Ash tried to pull away, but Samus' grip was iron. Pikachu, at Ash's heels as always, couldn't intercede without shocking both of them.

Samus sneered, "City hands, Mr. Hoopem. You've been counting Pokébucks all your life! This shark almost swallowed you whole already; you really wanna give him another chance?"

Ash would never admit it, but his hands were sweating so much that he finally slid free of Samus' grip as he returned, "A Pokémon Master never gives up!"

"Neither does a bounty hunter," Samus returned, a tiny glint of respect showing in her eyes, "Take him along for ballast, Chief. Or maybe a Sharpedo chew toy." She laughed cruelly at her own joke, pushing past both men to begin her preparations for sailing. Link, Ash, and Pikachu could only look at each other and shrug their shoulders.

Nearly twenty-four hours later, Link was at the stern of Samus' boat, the _Orca_. He was doling out chum from a bucket and into the sea. Ash had the wheel atop the flying bridge with Pikachu while the "lady" of the vessel occupied the fishing seat nearby. Samus whistled along with the pleasant movie music in an off-key fashion.

It was so horribly boring that Link's mind turned back to when they had departed this morning. Zelda had come to see them off; she'd pressed her Light Bow into Link's hands. He'd asked with a smile like he expected a joke, "What's this for?"

She was dead serious. "For luck. But tell me, why do you have to go? Let the experts handle this."

As he shouldered her archery equipment, Link considered her question. "It's my responsibility," he finally said, "Ash almost got eaten because I didn't stand up to the mayor. It's bad enough I don't dare go without him after that."

Zelda nodded, seeing nothing would change her husband's mind. He could sure be courageous, she mused, even if he was not very wise.

When they'd kissed, that had been the last straw for Samus. She started laughing uproariously, then made fun of Zelda's girly walk and swirling skirts when his wife fled angrily.

But that had been this morning; to Link's surprise Samus leaned forward in her chair and spoke to him softly. "Hey, Chief, don't you worry 'bout it. We'll bag this shark and be home to the missus soon enough. You'll see...heh, if she didn't like you going out, she'll love you coming back in!"

She started to laugh again, but cut herself off. Link found himself matching Samus' unmoving expression of attentiveness for a long moment. When nothing happened, he breathed softly, "What? What is it?"

"Nothing," Samus replied just as softly.

"Nothing?" Link bellowed, "What are you scaring me for, then?"

"Don't ya realize?" Samus bellowed back, "The background music's stopped! Something always happens in a horror movie when it's quiet!" Her statement made everybody aboard freeze except for their eyeballs, rolling and roving at the sea all around them.

The line in Samus' pole suddenly jerked and started peeling off the reel.

Yet Samus barely had time to yelp and maintain her hold before the line went completely slack. She reeled it in quickly; at the end lay her bare hook. Well, not quite bare; there was a piece of paper impaled on it. Link took the paper off and read it aloud, "Please send more meat. No veggies. Signed, Bruce."

Samus growled, "Wise-guy sharks are the worst."

From above came the sound of Ash jumping in his place. "Oh, boys," he called out below, "the fishfinder says he's coming for his noon feeding."

The bounty hunter sprang into action. "Hoopem, full throttle, south-by-southeast! Chief, take this line up to the bow and secure one end to the first empty Energy Tank up there. It's time to break out the big guns!"

Link remained in place, staring at her quizzically, "An **empty** Energy Tank? What good's that?"

"It's fulla hot air, just like Hoopem! Now get going!" Samus shoved Link on his way before proceeding on hers into the cabin. As Link clambered around the outside of the cabin, Ash caught his eye with a pointing arm. "Look, Link! There's the fin!"

Link paused to stare wide-eyed at the huge dorsal and broad back breaking the surface, running ahead of the _Orca_. He kept going out of fear of Samus and soon fastened the line as she had instructed. Then Link turned and called out to Ash, "Why don't you and Pikachu get the shark now?"

"We will," Ash yelled back assurance, "Once Samus is ready, we'll shock that Sharpedo into holding still so she can take her shot. Don't worry; listen to this cool nautical victory theme we've got going here! We'll win for sure!"

Link had to bob his head in time to the jaunty music as he joined Ash and Pikachu in the flying bridge. He checked the Light Bow still strapped to his back; looked like Zelda was wrong for once. He'd have to tease her about it mercilessly when he got back.

Wow; Samus hadn't been kidding about the big guns. Even she needed both hands to haul the big, high-tech, futuristic rifle as she climbed into the hunter's perch adorning her boat's bow. She paused only long enough to hook the other end of the line that Link had started to her weapon. Grinning more than a little maniacally, Samus steadied herself and sighted down her harpoon gun.

The shark, sensing a disturbance in The Force, started to submerge. Ash was quick to bark, "Pikachu, Thunder, now!" The shock rang out and struck home; briefly stopping the shark in its aquatic tracks. All aboard the _Orca _were saved from that same shock by the rubber lining grounding the boat's interior for just such an occasion. Samus' own shot rang out straight and true; her harpoon plunged into the shark's back just below its dorsal fin. The Energy Tank pulled free and began trailing behind the shark on its line, preventing the big beast from going too deep with its air-filled weight.

Ash shared a high-five with his little buddy. "Great work, Pikachu!" he added.

"Great shot, you two, but it's not over yet!" Samus warned, "Let's get this big bruiser totally tanked! Chief, rig me up another line! Hoopem, watch that fishfinder; I wanna be riding his tail!"

The shark, tired from dragging the first tank, came back up to the surface just in time for another one-two punch from Samus and Ash. Now with two tanks, the shark renewed his flight...just as it got through his tiny brain that there were alternatives to running.

"I don't believe it," Link cried, "Two tanks in him and he's going down again!"

Even Samus' jaw dropped as the shark and his trailing tanks disappeared completely beneath the waves. All eyes turned to Ash at the fishfinder; he let the boat go into a wide circle as he fiddled with the instrument. No matter what dials he twisted or how hard he hit the device, the shark refused to reappear. Even the background music had gone utterly silent once more.

That scared Link more than anything else.

Then the shark's theme surged even as the shark himself did so; right at the boat's stern. CHOMP! CRUNCH! RIIIPP-PPPP!

The _Orca_ slowed rapidly. Link didn't need to see Ash pulling desperately at the useless controls to figure out what happened; he was still so stunned that he said it anyway. "The shark ate our outboard, didn't he?"

Ash confirmed, "We're dead in the water."

Link winced, "Did you have to put it that way?"

"Sorry. But hey...at least the music's quiet. We're safe for now."

Although she'd rather have her lips pulled off by a rabid Metroid than admit it, Samus was just as worried as they were. She joined the men on the main deck at the stern to plan their next move. "Well, boys," she huffed, "I'd say this movie is building to the climax. Time to break out the even bigger guns."

With startling speed, Samus whipped her plain clothes off to reveal an absolutely skin-tight, bright blue wetsuit beneath. Link and Ash stared in very pleasant shock at the magnificent body thus revealed; Pikachu just plain passed out. Too much woman for him!

Link, being a married man, was first to recover. "Hey, I'm all for cheesecake, but unless you want a date with the shark, what good does that do us right now? You're not going to try to replace the engine with that shark out there, are you? You know it thinks you look good enough to eat already!"

"I may be blonde, but I'm no bimbo," Samus replied, "Watch this. And Hoopem, put yer eyes back in yer head, already!" Samus hit a small symbol adorning her left breast; in a flash of light the rest of her Power Armor formed out of her Zero Suit. The _Orca_ tipped backwards notably at the sudden increase of weight.

Ash and Link oohed and aahed at the impressive sight of a fully-powered Samus...until Link realized something. "Hey, if you had that armor the entire time, why didn't you use it before?"

Samus took her helmet off to reply matter-of-factly, "Adam didn't authorize it yet."

Link's left eye started to twitch. "Adam...? Authorize...? Who's Adam?"

Samus lost her focus on him to stare into the skies with empty eyes. She called out gently, "Adam...Adam, where are you? I've lost your signal, Adam..."

By now Pikachu had regained consciousness; Ash scooped him up and held him fiercely to protect the little Pokémon from the nutcase. Link joined Samus in loosening his grip on reality a little. Drawing the Master Sword, Link put it dangerously close to Samus' chest and roared, "You're certifiable, Samus! You know that? You're certifiable!"

"Yeah, yeah," Samus waved his concerns away.

Just then the shark decided it was time for his closeup, Mr. DeMillé. It leapt out of the water, jaws agape, and crashed down on the vessel's stern. The _Orca_'s gunwale shattered and the boat tipped like a see-saw. If it wasn't for Ash's quick grab onto first the ladder and then himself, Link would've slid down the slippery deck and right into that huge maw.

Samus wasn't so lucky. She fell flat on her back and struck her helmetless head when her boat tipped; she slid unconscious into the shark's mouth. GULP! And the shark was just as gone as she, vanished into the depths to chew on his meal a little.

Even as Ash, Link, and Pikachu regrouped inside the sinking ship's cabin, they knew better than to trust the quiet musical background for a long reprieve now. They quickly agreed the movie's music conductor was a big fat jerk, along with his or her entire orchestra, as they tried to think of what to do next. The _Orca_ solved the problem for them by tipping far to starboard as she filled with water. The trio was forced to climb out the porthole and onto the narrow radio mast rigging.

The shark, apparently having finally gotten Samus down, reappeared some distance away. Like a bull readying a charge, the shark prepared its coupé de grace on the helpless humans waiting before it.

Ash ordered, "Okay, Pikachu, you'll have to really let him have it! Don't hold back; if we're gonna be gobbled, let's give him the ultimate indigestion!" _"Pika-pika!"_ the little Pokémon agreed; both knowing that the _Orca_ wouldn't protect them from Pikachu's electricity now that all three crewmembers were half-in, half-out of the water themselves.

Link knew his own efforts would be just as futile in preventing his being digested, but he had to agree with their attitude. He drew the Light Bow into a firing position where he lay across the mast; a mystical arrow of pure light (with matching bowstrings) formed at his touch.

The shark grinned and decided to play the game their way. It charged, surging powerfully forward on the bright blue sea and its pounding theme music alike. Its mouth gaped open like an aircraft hanger and Link feared all three of them would disappear in one great chomp.

"Pikachu, Thunder!"

Just before the huge thunderbolt struck the shark, a glint of metal appeared deep in the monster's gullet. A large metal ball, about the size of a basketball, rolled right out of the belly of the beast and into the sea. Link's sharp eyes saw it had left something much like itself behind; a small orb fixed to the shark's broad tongue.

Then the Thunder hit home and the shark slowed somewhat; but it was powering through its pain and still coming. Now in its wake, Samus deactivated her armor's Morph Ball mode and unfurled into her normal shape. Since she still didn't have her helmet, her suit wasn't sealed against water or electricity; she was just as shook up as Link and Ash when she yelled, "Nnnoooo...i-i-i-tt'ss a duddd! Sh-sh-shoooot th-e-e-e Po-po-ower B-b-b-bomb!"

Link got the hint. With Pikachu still desperately pouring on the Thunder and the shark still plowing relentlessly, remorselessly forward, he did his best to steady his aim at the tiny Power Bomb showing within the stuck-open jaws. The Light Arrow flew...

KA-BLAM-O! (Maybe even KA-BLOO-IE! I've always liked that sound effect.)

The shark's theme vanished along with it, replaced by happy victory music. Maybe that conductor wasn't so bad after all. As fish sticks rained from the sky all around them (already breaded, no less-our heroes are just that good), Samus deactivated her armor into the Zero Suit before its weight dragged her after the _Orca_. The four met where some flotsam included a couple of spare Energy Tanks. As the intrepid crew began fashioning a makeshift flotation device to reach shore with out of the junk, Samus had to admit what was on all their minds. "We make a pretty good team, boys." She even gave Pikachu a pat on the head.

Then she added, "Maybe we should do this again sometime."

Ash stopped frowning at the thought to point out, "Naw, listen to the music. That shark's gone...not even a sly hint that it's survived and still out there." Samus nodded agreement.

Link was still tense, however. "Yeah, **this** shark is gone. But if this movie made a ton of money, you can bet we'll all be together again in two or three years..."

The four survivors shared a horrified look at that. They grabbed their raft and began kicking desperately for shore with Pikachu calling time on their strokes.

Privately, they agreed that the only thing worse than a horror movie conductor was a horror movie writer, not letting them enjoy their victory like that.

**The End**

Apologies and acknowledgment of characters copyright © including but not limited to the estate of Peter Benchley, Universal Pictures Inc., and Nintendo Company Ltd. Text copyright © Keith E. Kimball, 2011. All characters/situations are used here for parody purposes (as if you couldn't tell) and no copyright infringement is intended.


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